Carol Annette Colvin

I miss you today.

I want to believe there is a heaven just so you can be there.

Wherever the light and pulse of your energy goes, I am sure mine will one day find you and we will be better for having made it from here to there.

I can't miss you more than I have, but it pains me more than I thought was possible to realize so soon that I will never get to hug you again, see your smile or hear you laugh despite life's truths in your eyes, tell jokes to animals or philosophize. You had so much courage. I will remember most the best times we shared.

We wanted to be in the wind when we died. Because I don't know where you are, I dried then burned your favorites: red poppies and yellow roses. Put the ashes in a tea strainer and shook them into a strong wind gusting across an open prairie, horses grazing in the distance, clear blue sky, soft orange sun setting over a far away hill. I will always remember today. I closed my eyes and prayed to the elements in all directions that the wind carries you where you hoped to be in the universes.

You will always be remembered with great love in my heart.

No trite birthday comments for the 24th

However, though I know we didn't think much of any celebration I believed you might appreciate this

From The Buddhist Temple of Chicago
Flowers in Buddhist temples sybolize the teaching of transience. The Buddha taught that all things in this world are in constant change, and nothing is permanent. Flowers are beautiful in the morning but fade in the heat of the day. The flowers remind us of this constant change of things and life. We are faced with the facts of old age, sickness, and death, regardless of whether we desire them or not.

This is one of the meditations used in the offering of flowers:

These flowers I offer in memory of the Buddha, the Supremely Enlightened One. These flowers are now fair in form, glorious in color, sweet in scent. Yet all will soon have passed away, their fair form withered, the bright hues faded, their scent gone. It is even so with all conditioned things which are subject to change and suffering and are unreal. Realizing this, may we attain Nirvana, perfect peace, which is everlasting.

Sibling squabbles melted away so many years ago, replaced by fonder memories. I won't apologize for remembering my favorite things about you. Wish mama and daddy had felt the same. Wishing I'd known sooner that you needed help you were not getting. You were so right about not trusting them. My heart didn't want to believe what my mind knew. Now, as pointless as it is, all I can say is I'm sorry.

Sometimes our hearts touch and I cry. I shouldn't. I'm truly happy for your loss of pain and suffering. I just miss you. It's good we made our peace so young. Perhaps that was our only chance. Now I can hear your voice and laughter less the bitterness of your passing from my world so early. See you in the wind and rain, the snow and sunshine, in the flowers and fields that always remind me how much you loved them too.

What might have been.

You entered: carol annette colvin

There are 18 letters in your name.
Those 18 letters total to 77
There are 7 vowels and 11 consonants in your name.

What your first name means:

Gaelic	Male	Champion.
French	Female	Song of happiness.
English	Male	Manly, strong. A variant of Charles; from Carolus, the Latinized form of the name. Famous bearer: Pope John Paul II's real name is Karol Wojtyla. Karol is a variant spelling of Carol used in several European countries.
English	Female	A feminine form of Charles meaning strong or manly. Also a diminutive of Caroline. Also used as the feminine of Carl meaning joy.

Your number is: 5

The characteristics of #5 are: Expansiveness, visionary, adventure, the constructive use of freedom.

The expression or destiny for #5:
The number 5 Expression endows with the wonderful characteristic of multi-talents and versatility. You can do so many things well. The tone of the number 5 is constructive freedom, and in your drive to attain this freedom, you will likely be the master of adaptability and change. You are good at presenting ideas and knowing how to approach people to get what you want. Naturally, this gives you an edge in any sort of selling game and spells easy success when it comes to working with people in most jobs. Your popularity may lead you toward some form of entertainment or amusement. Whatever you do, you are clever, analytical, and a very quick thinker.

If there is too much of the 5 energy in your makeup, you may express some the negative attitudes of the number. Your restless and impatient attitude may keep you from staying with any project for too long. Sometimes you can be rather erratic and scatter yourself and your energies. You have a hard time keeping regular office hours and maintaining any sort of a routine. You tend to react strongly if you sense that your freedom of speech or action is being impaired or restricted in any way. As clever as you are, you may have a tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again because much of your response is glib reaction rather that thoughtful application. You are in a continuous state of flux brought by constantly changing interests.

Your Soul Urge number is: 6

A Soul Urge number of 6 means:
With a number 6 Soul Urge, you would like to be appreciated for your ability to handle responsibility. Your home and family are likely to be a strong focus for you, perhaps the strongest focus of your life. Friendship, love, and affection are high on your list of priorities for a happy life. You have a lot of diplomatic tendencies in your makeup, as you a able to rectify and balance situations with an innate skill. You like working with people rather than by yourself. It is extremely important for you to have harmony in your environment at all times.

The positive side of the 6 Soul Urge produces a huge capacity for responsibility; you are always there and ready to assume more than your share of the load. If you possess positive 6 Soul Urges and express them, you are known for your generosity, understanding and deep sympathetic attitude. Strong 6 energy is very giving of love, affection, and emotional support. You may have the inclination to teach or serve your community in other idealistic ways. You have natural abilities to help people. You are also likely to have artistic and creative leanings.

If you have an over-supply of 6 energy in your makeup, you may express some of the negative traits common to this number. With such a strong sympathetic attitude, it is easy to become too emotional. Sometimes the desires to render help can be over done, and it can become interfering and an attitude that is too protective, rather than helpful. The person with too much 6 energy often finds that people tend to take advantage of this very giving spirit. You may tend to repress your own needs so that you can cater to the demands from others. At times, there may be a tendency in this, for becoming over-loaded with such demands, and as a result become resentful.

Your Inner Dream number is: 8

An Inner Dream number of 8 means:
You dream of success in the business or political world, of power and control of large material endeavors. You crave authority and recognition of executive skills. Your secret self may have very strong desire to become an entrepreneur.

Carol Annette Colvin

Memoriam to my sister Carol

What might have been.

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